I was trying every restrictive diet in the books. I was desperate to heal my acne and when I couldn’t, I was desperate to be super skinny since that was the one thing I felt I could control.
Only I couldn’t control it. The more I tried to eat “super healthy” all the time, the more out of control I felt around food. I could stay on whatever cleanse or challenge I was trying pretty well – and feel pretty good during it even – but when it was over, all bets were off.
I would go on these benders, eating everything that I had been denying myself; drinking just a little too much to numb the pain and frustration I was feeling. Why couldn’t I stick with my healthy eating? It was helping, sort of, and I did feel better eating so “clean”… didn’t I?
But the reality was, I simply couldn’t reconcile myself to a life of never having delicious birthday cake or mac n’ cheese again; it felt endless, overwhelming. Even writing that now I feel silly and hear myself thinking, “Really, Rach.. you can’t give up cake? What’s the big deal?”
The big deal is that food is our comfort. It's social. It's fun. It’s a huge part of human life. And when we deny that, when we restrict ourselves so tightly, we ramp up our desire for those foods 1,000 fold. We start to feel a little out of control around food, and we can no longer imagine what a healthy balance looks like.