The in-between. The unknown.
The sometimes wildly uncomfortable place where we are choosing to leave behind the old – the old pattern, situation, way of doing, way of thinking – but we have not yet settled in the new.
I have been dancing with this liminal space for nearly a year. Choosing consciously to leave behind my old pattern of trying to “fix” myself, to figure everything out, and get it “right.” And having to choose it over and over again.
“It’s like knocking over a coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.”
So I flow into the unknown, then back into the familiar. I ease back into the unknown, taste a hint of the new, fall abruptly back into the old... The dance of the liminal space. Of heart guided transformation..
My dance partners – self-compassion, trust, and patience. On the good days, that is. #perfectionnotrequired #thankfully
I’ve surrendered my “fix-it sword” to Mother Earth several times over the past year. And yet I keep looking down and finding my hand clenched tightly, dramatically around it again. Clinging for dear life. My whole body tense with fear, with doing, with intense over thinking. My mind spinning story after story to explain what’s going on, what’s holding me back, what’s needed next.
This over thinking mind also voraciously consumes – books, videos, podcasts, instagram posts – searching everywhere for answers. Looking for the magic pill, the magic tool or technique I haven’t tried yet, the thing that will make it all feel better.
And then I remember. The wound up, tense, fear-filled path is not the way to a spacious, easeful, and joyful life. Crap.
So I lay my sword down again. Re-enter the liminal space of not knowing. Try to find some self-compassion. “It’s ok, my love. Of course you’re quick with the sword, you’ve been highly trained. It’s ok to relax. It’s ok to soften.” Deep breath. And another. And another.
What I’m realizing – One reason why I keep reaching again and again for my sword is the liminal space. See, it’s scary. It’s unknown. It’s uncomfortable. It’s unchartered. The only way to navigate through is to listen, to trust, and to wait. 3 things which are culturally not really our strong suits.
My mind so quickly jumps in with, “You’re not doing enough. You’re behind. You’re failing. You’re a mess.” And before I know it, I’m fighting again.
But I’ve built and burnt to the ground 2 successful coaching businesses that I created from fixing and figuring and shoulding myself. I don’t want to do that again. I won’t. Instead, I’m choosing the wild unknown of building a business via intuition, alignment, spaciousness, ease and joy.
Living my truth. Growing my embodied confidence. Creating success in true alignment with myself and my desires.
The fixing and figuring never leads to ease and satisfaction. I have to find a new way.
So I surrender my sword again. Knowing deep in my heart, though it may look like nothing is happening, actually a powerful alchemy is brewing. The alchemy, the magic that comes as I choose to sit in presence. As I choose to explore and meet all of myself with loving compassion. As I choose to wait, to listen, to breathe, to allow.
I’m learning to trust the liminal space. To lean into the discomfort, the not knowing. To turn inwards, to listen more closely and longer. To hold myself even more tenderly.
To choose trust and love over fix and figure. To choose myself. Over and over again.
Loving you fiercely, brave ones,